Laughing Dog's Essay on Reincarnation

Last weekend I went music shopping for my friend’s bachelor party. He asked me to DJ, but I was having a hard time deciding what to get. I had just put back a copy of Lil’ Bow-Wow as it appeared to me upon reconsideration to be a bit cliché, when an exasperated ragged-looking woman ran into the store screaming about judgment day and how we should all repent or spend eternity in an endless cycle of reincarnation; the great wheel of suffering. The manager kicked her out so fast that the drool on her lips had time to hang in the air before dropping onto the linoleum only inches from where I had relieved myself a minute earlier. Soon after, I was kicked out too, not because I was disturbing the peace, but because I’m a dog, and I had scratched and slobbered on all the CDs I browsed through, and bit the leg of the boy who bought the last copy of Splinter by the Sneaker Pimps. But it got me thinking. What if reincarnation isn’t just an imaginary justification for a mixed up moral religion? Should this change the way I live? First of all, I’m inclined to ask myself what are the parameters here? How much wrong must one do to be reborn as something worse? I mean, let’s say that in one of my past lives I used to be a dedicated Buddhist, chasing Karma around every mountainside in India, and for some reason I started lying to my followers and claiming that I had found Samadhi, enlightenment, release from suffering or whatever, and they treated me like a God because of it. Would this be a big enough breach of morals, or a heavy enough karmic load to be reincarnated as an inebriated dog, chasing cars around every block in Bemidji? The rules here are so vague, even our national defense-spending budget seems accurately detailed in comparison. My curiosity led me to do some research on the matter, but it only left me with more questions. For instance, not once in all the Vedas did I dig up any rules governing the chronological distribution of returning souls. There’s nothing that says I couldn’t be reincarnated at an earlier or simultaneous time to the life that I just got out of. Maybe If I’m really bad I’ll have to go back in time and be reborn as Carrot Top, or a poodle, or that guy who played Urkle. Worse yet, for all I know, right now I could also be that fire hydrant on 5th Street that I spend so much time defacing! Now, a lot of the branches of Hinduism claim that enlightenment comes directly from the realization of one’s true nature. Unfortunately most of them also have an explanation of the true nature they ought to be, so I guess they think that you can understand something without realizing it, which seems like a steaming pile of hooey, then again, I understand that, as a dog, I ought to be incapable of writing essays, but I haven’t realized that yet. So, maybe they’re onto something. In the texts, they also often mention Brahman, which to me is just Ramen in a beer gravy, but in the East it refers to the concept that all people are part of a larger self, that we are all in essence the same being in different forms and from different perspectives. This includes plants and the natural world. So now I’m not just myself and the unfortunate fire hydrant, I could be every single thing in existence at the same time. Should I mate with that Collie? Well, since I’m her and I don’t mind, I might as well. How about that large tasty dog bone, should I steal that from Walmart? Well if I am the bone and I offer myself up, that’s not stealing now is it? Seems to me like a one-way ticket to a life of justifiable hedonism. So what’s this karma about then? As long as I make sure to allow myself to do whatever it is that I want in whatever form I want to do it in, there can be no wrongdoing. I think I’m starting to like this religion. Oooh, I just realized that this coming bachelor party is actually going to be my party as well, so whatever music I like should be fine for everybody. I think I’m going to find a copy of the theme song from the original Parent Trap… let’s get together, yeah, yeah, yeah! Seems fitting. Meanwhile I can rest assured that somewhere out there, one of the forms I am taking is bound to find enlightenment eventually, and then I’ll be set. After all, if this cycle of reincarnation is the only facsimile of Hell that exists, then as soon as it’s over, there’s only one place left to go. That’s right, it is now common knowledge; all dog’s go to Heaven.