Laughing Dog's Essay on Upbringing

There has been a lot of controversy in the past decade over the proper methods of raising children. Some people are concerned about what types of punishments are still considered acceptable, if any. I, on the other hand, see a growing amount of spoiled rebellious little monsters running around, and tend to believe that all this soft parenting is resulting in children that are unable to learn, unable to focus, and unable to show respect. We are overlooking the hard coincidental evidence. How loyal and respectful have our pets become in this same amount of time? Could it be because the anger of the parents who don't punish their kids is getting redirected toward the family pets? Does this improvement in pet behavior result directly from harsher and more physical punishments for the mistakes that we pets have been making? Let's play out a little scenario here. Billy leaves the table without cleaning up his dishes. Mom grabs Billy by the neck and shoves his nose in the left-over squash on his plate while screaming "No! No! Bad Billy! Bad Bad Billy! You don't leave your dishes on the table!! Followed by a swift kick in the rear. I doubt Billy is going to do that again. And when you think about it, he's not really being hurt, just terribly degraded. It's an ideal scenario, sure to show drastic results. And then comes the issue of the teenage years. The kids get interested in sex and drugs. How can soft parents possibly keep their children away from these things, ice cream and trips to the movies just don't hold a stick to orgasms and intense highs. And when the parents do get brave enough to say something, by this time the kids just talk back and snap at them. However, if you apply the upbringing skills used on your pets, all of this can be avoided. Scenario #2: Billy is caught having sex with his girlfreind, Dad busts in with a garden hose and blasts him in the genitals with ice cold water until the two are forced to part. Billy is scarred for life and will probably not feel comfortable having sex for years to come! Later that day, Billy tries to drown his sexual frusteration by smoking a bunch of grass. Mom and Dad quickly tug him away by his collar and lock him in a room with a bowl of dogfood until he eats a healthy amount. Even when you're high, dogfood tastes like dogfood. Billy won't have much of an apetite for the blunt for awhile. These are tactics that are proven and sound, they really work! And if your child ever talks back, try shoving your hand in his mouth until he gags. I assure you, he'll stop within two weeks of this formidable training. Hopefully by now I have you all convinced that soft parenting is not the answer. Embrace these new tactics, and who knows, maybe you'll like them so much you'll go on to teach your child to sing the national anthem or recite a piece by Chopin while dangling a dollar over their heads, among other amusing tricks. While we dogs really appreciate this type of training, I honestly believe it will be even more appropriate, successful, and worthwhile to practice it on your children. You're welcome.