Laughing Dog's Essay on Time Management

I have been getting letters from folks around the globe, asking me if I have any advice to help smooth out the chaos of the hectic Americanized schedules and lifestyles that people suffer through every day. Well, I’m happy to say that I do have a set of principles just laying around the old doghouse that I believe will help dramatically in this affair. It’s no joke, and all of those late night infomercial spokesmen were right; time management is the key! So much valuable time is wasted due to poor organization of activities and unnecessary outings and habits. So, if you want to shape up your life and become more efficient, here is what you can do. First, make a list of all the things you have to accomplish and the time frames you have in which to do so. Are there any items on this list such as “Go to the bathroom?” Have you thought about carrying a pooper-scooper around with you? This will save you at least 10 minutes a day. Also, you can always reduce travel time by driving on the sidewalks or through people’s yards during rush hours. Next, did you happen to write something along the lines of “Spend time with the wife and litter?” Remember readers, the babysitter makes a salary for a reason. And about your wife, well, if you neglect her long enough she will find someone else who has more time for her. Two birds with one Frisbee, right? These are the kinds of tips that really work! Maybe you have already implemented these things and you are still having trouble accomplishing everything… This means it’s time to prioritize. You simply have too much in your dish, and it is time to drop a few of your commitments. It will be hard at first, but not as hard as choosing which child to eat when the winter comes and your pack is lost in the forest. The only question is, “Which ones do I drop?” Look at your list again. Then, ask yourself if you want to make long-term goals or short-term goals. If you choose short-term, well then you can throw out eating and sleeping. You will get much more done in the meantime without having to worry about those things. However, you will inevitably die much sooner, so you won’t be able to get a whole lot accomplished in the future. Another approach to the short-term is to contract a severe and terminal illness. You can cross out work altogether while you collect on workers’ comp., or unemployment, or welfare, or sit in the hospital for years eating up state funding, and you will have hours upon hours to do whatever your body can still manage in the time you have left to live. If you choose long-term, it may be a more difficult process. First you could cross out holidays or religious occasions. And you don’t have to lose spirit in doing so, because you can always tie a ribbon on your collar or something to show that you’re celebrating on the inside. Another unnecessary item would be any kind of artistic expression or patronage, (i.e. viewing films, painting, sculpting, acting, reading, etc.). This is a preferred method because studies have shown that the more you avoid these things, the less you want to take part in them, and the less likely your mind is to wastefully wander into a state of time-consuming independent thought. This will save you more time than you can imagine, and of course you will eventually lose your ability to imagine the time you have saved, which is yet another sign of progress. And the kicker here is that, with all the extra money you make from being more efficient and having more time to work, you may eventually be able to afford to replace all of your organic tissue with complex machinery, and that my friends is about as far as my methods can take you. But trust me, it will be far enough. People will be jealous of how well you manage your time, and they will ask you questions like, “Hey Mr. Automated Machine Man, how do you manage to get so much done?” And when you don’t answer because it would be a waste of time, and because you’ve had your reasoning capabilities removed from your electronic brain format, they will be impressed at how dedicated you are to your efficiency philosophy. Yes, it does take time to become this successful, but it also takes awhile to build up a good layer of disguising aromas on your fur. And as I always say, it’s never too late to roll in something.