Has anyone noticed how bizarre our nation’s foreign policy has become these days? Promoting national pride in times of international economies, using the U.N. policies, which were designed to prevent wars, as a justification to ignite a war, and then ignoring the U.N. when we got what we wanted, supposedly defending the global community of free democracies, and yet having by far the largest amount of foreign military bases in the world. I want to know what happened to the good old days, before England claimed ownership of a land that already belonged to hundreds of thousands of people, and called it the U.S.A. Back when Kings would send their people on slaughter parades in other lands just to steal enough stuff to spoil themselves so they didn’t revolt. At least there wasn’t any confusion in that system. A robs B to survive, B defends from A to stay alive: nothing anyone considered immoral at the time. But now that they’ve built our morals up, they have to go do all this stuff behind our backs and trick us all into allowing it. How terribly awkward. What would I do differently? That’s what you’re all asking yourselves I’m sure. Well, let’s take a comparative look at the structure of foreign policy in the world of domesticated canines. First off, there are three types of “countries” for dogs: those with fences, “invisible” fences, and open boundaries. Fences are land barriers like oceans and mountains. They make it so other dogs cannot easily get in. Invisible fences are like political borders, where there are no land barriers, but some militant force will keep you from crossing (of course illegal aliens don’t have nearly as much trouble sneaking in as residents have pass-porting out). And the open boundaries are like unmanned borders without land barriers where any willing pup can cross if they choose. Now, there is a type of U.N. amongst these yards or “countries”, and that is the Pound. And since it is a human creation, it has the same flaws really. If one or two dogs are reported to be loitering around yards where they don’t belong, the pound can secure and remove them, and if they have behaved most awfully, they may be put to “sleep”. But if there are too many dogs running around wildly, the Pound really can’t do anything about it. Of course, we dogs have much better noses for sniffing out intruders than even the C.I.A. (which is the best sniffing force the U.N. has at its disposal), so the Pound is only a necessary convention in the eyes of humans. But lets get to the real differences here, which are the motivations behind “international” relations. First of all, why do dogs roam outside of their own yards?
1.) Imperialism. (Yes, we are guilty of this too.) We like to invade the “countries” of other dogs, dig up their buried bones, eat out of their dishes, and shit in their yards. This is more like the ransacking of the kings than modern capitalism, except for the shitting part, which resembles the grotesque poverty and pollution that exploitive foreign businesses leave in their wake.
2.) Breeding. (And here’s where we begin to differ.) We like to roam through other lands looking for a suitable mate to force ourselves upon. I suppose this is much like forcing democracies and pinch governments on developing countries, except we typically don’t take any responsibility for our actions, nor do we check up on our handy-work to see if it matures.
3.) Recreation. (Our most common motivation.) Most of the time, we just like to go out and see new things, bark mean phrases to other dogs as we pass, roll around in something awful until we run out of energy, and come home and brag about the trip. (Then again, I’ve seen many humans go out to foreign countries, spout ethnocentric insults, get shit-faced until they run out of money, and come home bragging too… They call it a vacation.)
OK, so I guess we dogs aren’t so different from you humans after all. But let us consider these last tasty pieces of comparison. You require trade to sustain your country, while we dogs have no such necessities. Our only arms race is a contest to see who can howl the loudest. Also, when we are forced to go out to other yards, we only start fights to protect our masters if we like them to begin with. You silly so-called “Americans”, you go where your government drafts you as well, but you fight to protect your government even if you’re not fond of it at all! So, whose foreign policy is better now?
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